The Course of These Years
by Mary James
Summary: RemusSirius in seven parts, in seven seperate years.
1. 1972

Author's Note/ Disclaimer  
Alright, this is the first of seven parts. It's Remus/Sirius, so although this part doesn't contain any, there will eventually be some slash. This first part is set at Hogwarts, around the Marauder's third year. Also I own none of the characters below. The stanza at the beginning is from T.S. Eliot's "Portrait of a Lady".

* * *

_1972  
_'_You do not know how much they mean to me, my friends,  
__And how, how rare and strange it is, to find  
__In a life composed so much, so much of odds and ends  
__To find a friend who has these qualities,  
__Who has, and gives  
__Those qualities upon which friendship lives.  
__How much it means that I say this to you-  
__Without these friendships-life, what "cauchemar"!'

* * *

_

His head swam. No, it pounded. Or it felt like it was being pounded anyway. He was also freezing in the very sense of the word, his nose felt like an icicle. Remus Lupin pulled the covers up over his head and curled into a fetal position. He thought he could hear vaguely familiar voices whispering somewhere above him, but before he could place them he was asleep again. 

"Oy! I think he's awake again!"  
"Shhh…Sirius shut up! He'll hear us!"  
"Isn't that what we want?"  
"It's a surprise Pete, I'd at least like him to be vaguely startled when he opens his eyes."

Remus slowly opened his eyes, feeling both extremely self-conscious and very worried at the same time. Siruis and James stood beside the bed, peering down at him in a way that would have been slightly creepy were they not his best friends. Peter was there too, only Remus could barely see him for the huge, fuzzy stuffed bear he was holding.

"Tsk tsk Remus Lupin, did you think we would not uncover your darkest secrets? I am the secret master!" Sirius exclaimed much too loudly and threw his arms in the air. "Make the bear sing, Pete my boy!"

Peter tapped the bear with his wand and it began to sing 'Happy Birthday' in a voice that very much sounded like James trying to impersonate a horrible opera singer.

Remus pulled the covers back over his head and groaned.

"I think we may have frightened him into hibernation." James said, frowning.  
"Nngh" was Remus's reply.

"Werewolves don't hibernate you great prat." Sirius said, flopping onto the bed beside Remus. "And anyway, your opera impersonation would frighten any sensible person."  
The bear was still singing 'Happy Birthday' in James's awful voice.

"It's not my birthday." Remus managed, attempting to keep Sirius from smothering him.  
"Well, we didn't know any songs that included the line 'We know you're a werewolf mate, and we like it.'" James said pointedly.

Remus closed his eyes and gave a defeated sigh. When he opened them again Sirius was inches from his face, grinning.  
"How'd you find out?"

"Come on, you don't think we're such great gits we wouldn't notice the signs? James actually read the chapter on werewolves in Defense Against the Dark Arts, you know." Sirius said, James nodding knowingly behind him.

"Twice! Once just for class and then again for serious when we realized what was going on. Even Sirius and Peter did too!"  
"The great scholars that we are." Peter replied from behind the enormous bear.

"Plus Ol' Jamesy and I spied on McGoogles and Pomfrey chatting one evening at your bedside, whilst you lay in woe and misery." Sirius added lightly.  
"Yeah, that helped us a bit." James agreed. "But the point is," he continued "that we know what's going on, and it's alright by us. In fact, it's more than alright."  
"It's positively smashing." Sirius finished, flashing him a winning smile.

Remus groaned again and rolled over, yet much to his dismay they all tried to climb into bed with him. However, to everyone's relief, Peter got the bear to stop singing and all was well in the world again.


	2. 1974

Author's Note/ Disclaimer  
Part two! Set right before their fifth year at Hogwarts, immediately following Sirius running away from his family and ending up at the Potter's. This chapter does have slash, so now you've been warned. I own none of the characters, and the lines below are from T.S. Eliot's "Love Song of Alfred J. Prufrock". Enjoy!

* * *

_1974  
__And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!  
__Smoothed by long fingers,  
__Asleep…tired…or it malingers,  
__Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me,_

* * *

"So you're alright then?"  
"Yeah, I'm fine." Sirius murmured unconvincingly into his cup of tea.

Remus had arrived not even a day after he got James's owl. Sirius was there, and had runaway and been disowned from his family. Remus said he'd stay until it was time to go back to Hogwarts, only a few days from then. And now they were in the Potter's kitchen, drinking tea and listening to James and his father bicker about music while Mrs. Potter made up another bed in the spare room.

"The way James made it sound, you were half-dead on his doorstep when you arrived." Remus remarked, stirring the hot tea around with his spoon.  
Sirius snorted "It was raining, I was cold and wet. And anyway, James exaggerates when he's excited." He explained, his eyes red from lack of sleep.  
Remus nodded in agreement and sipped his tea, not wanting to question him any further.

When the three of them finally climbed the stairs for bed and James took his leave of them, long after Mr. and Mrs, Potter had retired, there came the problem of them actually being able to sleep.

"Sirius! Would you stop thrashing about over there!" Remus hissed from his makeshift bed a couple feet away.  
"I can't sleep! I haven't slept hardly a wink in three days!" Sirius shot back, turning over again.

Remus fell silent and listened to Sirius's uneven breathing across the room. He started to count to ten and only made it to six before Sirius turned over again.

The next morning, Sirius fell down the last two steps because his eyes were only half open, causing Remus to trip over him and leading James to believe that he should find some friends with better coordination.

* * *

Sirius went to bed early the next night, probably in attempt to finally fall completely asleep. But he was still wide awake when Remus came in much later, secretly hoping Sirius had fallen into a deep slumber.

"Still awake?" he asked, nonchalantly.  
"Obviously, Lupin." Sirius replied, grumpily.

Remus pulled off his shirt and threw it at him, half playing, and hitting him on the side of the face. Sirius jumped up and tackled him onto the floor, his muscles already tensed from tossing and turning for hours, but Remus grabbed him by the shoulders and shoved him off. He had him pinned on his back in seconds, the werewolf growling low in his throat.

"Right, I'm sorry, just get off will you?" Sirius tried.

"No, because if you don't relax, neither of us is going to get any sleep again tonight." Remus replied, his hands on Sirius's shoulders, keeping him pinned. Sirius laid there for a moment, fuming silently, before flailing about like a madman in a valiant attempt to escape.

"I can't relax if you're bloody sitting on me!" he hissed furiously.

"Fine." Remus replied, and moved off of him.

Sirius jumped up and promptly flung himself onto his bed and buried his face in the pillows, mumbling something inaudible.

"What?"  
"I said, this is impossible!" Sirius grumbled, rolling over onto his back.

Remus flopped down next to him on the bed, and both laid there just staring at the ceiling.

"I couldn't stand it there anymore." Sirius finally managed. "They were horrible to a degree that is truly horrible. And now that I'm here, and away from it, I still can't sleep and it's their fault."

He turned over on his side and looked at Remus, who felt as though he should say something. When nothing remotely comforting popped into his mind he turned and reached out, brushing a few strands of hair out of Sirius's face. Sirius let out a deep breath and closed his eyes, Remus almost immediately following suit.

"When did you become so comfortable…" Sirius rumbled, low in his throat, curling up closer to his friend.  
"Hmm…? Remus hummed quietly, responding to Sirius's sudden closeness, and found the other boy's lips with his own.

Sirius was warm, and curled his fingers into Remus's hair and pulled him closer. And when they pulled away, comfortably tangled and warm and feeling much drowsier, Sirius watched him with dark, sleepy eyes.

"Mmm…goodnight Moony"  
"Night…" he managed, before both of them finally fell into a much needed slumber.


	3. 1977

Author's Note/ Disclaimer  
Alright, part three. It takes place during the Marauder's seventh year. More slash, so if you don't like, don't read it. I own none of the characters, and the lyrics are from "Why Should the Fire Die" by Nickel Creek. Also, thanks for the lovely reviews, I live for feedback. Enjoy!

* * *

_1977  
__It's early yet, don't say goodnight  
__I know you're tired, you'll be alright  
__You're shining still, behind the clouds  
__Saying I won't figure you out  
__It might be true, but let me try  
__And try and try for the rest of my life  
__I'm not scared of being alone  
__I'm just happier being confused  
__Beside the fire, as long as it's with you

* * *

_

Remus Lupin always had a difficult time trying to concentrate in classes. This was because Sirius Black was even worse at concentrating, and instead opted to pass his friends vulgar notes or create some other form of distraction.  
Remus had just successfully taken about a page of notes from their history lecture when he felt something nudge his elbow. It was a messily folded note, presumably from Sirius. He unfolded it and read it to himself. 

_"Moony, I'm going to snog you!"_

He rolled his eyes at Sirius, sitting in the next row, and sent the note back.

_"We're in the middle of class, I doubt they would approve."_

Sirius gave him a disturbing grin, but didn't send anything back. So Remus dutifully went back to his notes. He was in the middle of a particularly good sentence about Grenwalda the Great when he suddenly felt something else nudging him.

On the head.

It was his ink bottle, and it was spilling ink everywhere as it continued to bang inself against his left temple. There was ink in his hair, on his notes, on his robes…  
James was absolutely helpless with laughter, and was trying very unsuccessfully to disguise it as a nasty coughing fit. Peter was, as usual, blissfully oblivious.

"Professor! Lupin's being attacked by his ink bottle!" Sirius exclaimed, innocently enough.  
"Mr. Black, why is it that I can't even get through one lesson without you pulling one of your hijinks?"

The bottle, though now empty, was still knocking itself against Remus's skull.

"It wasn't me Professor! It must be hexed!"

Remus should have been angry. He should have been at least a little bit furious. He'd have to recopy his notes, and he knew now they were going to miss the rest of the lecture. Not to mention the hell he was going to have to go through to get the ink out of his hair and robes.

The professor gave a wearied sigh. "Very well Mr. Black. Would you help Mr. Lupin get his things so he can go clean himself off?"

At those words, the hexed ink bottle clattered to the floor, completely harmless.

* * *

"I hate you." Remus managed, sounding pathetic.  
Sirius kissed him, pushing him against the wall of the empty classroom, his hands seeking out bare skin.  
"Blech. Moony, you taste like ink."  
"That's not my fault."

The pads of Remus's fingers were stained with ink, and left smudges on Sirius's face when he pulled him forward, kissing him harder. He could feel Sirius's deft fingers pulling his shirt out of it's neat tucks, making him a bit breathless.

"Mmph…wait!' Sirius pulled back suddenly.  
Remus didn't want to wait. "Is this part of the Black courting ritual then? You dump ink all over your preferred mate and then corner them, weak and helpless, before devouring them alive?"

"Basically." Sirius replied grinning "But really, listen. Move in with me, after we leave here."  
Remus stared, completely flabbergasted. "What?"  
"Move into the flat with me." Sirius repeated, leaning forward and kissing him softer this time.

He felt himself deflate. "But-"  
"Moony, I really sort of love you." Sirius blurted out suddenly.

Remus's head jerked up, and he looked Sirius in the eyes. He looked vulnerable and awkward and all things NOT Sirius Black. The taller boy shifted and looked away. Remus's heart was in his throat.  
"Yes…alright."  
Sirius's face broke into one enormous grin  
"And I umm…really sort of love you back."


	4. 1987

Author's Note/ Disclaimer  
Change of pace with part four. A short part with a healthy dose of angst. This is taking place after Sirius's has been in Azkaban for about six years. I own none of the characters, blah blah, and the lyrics are from the Dixie Chicks' "Not Ready to Make Nice".

* * *

_1987  
__Forgive, sounds good  
__Forget, I'm not sure I could  
__They say, time heals everything  
__But I'm still waiting

* * *

_

"_Describe yourself in three words"_ goes the familiar line. 

Alone, empty, cold.  
And maybe 'betrayed'.

But even then Remus doesn't have the heart to say it aloud. Something told him it was wrong. It felt heavy and poisonous on his tongue. It felt shameful to think about it.  
This anger though, it was fierce. It swelled up in his heart and made his stomach lurch. It accompanied their memories, James and Lily's, making it hard to imagine even the happiest of times.  
When Sirius didn't come home that night, six years ago, everything went wrong.

At first, time drug itself out. Minutes stretching into hours at an impossibly slow pace. Hours turning into another long day in which he'd have to hear the news again, look at the pictures. Seeing his best friends' faces plastered on the fronts of newspapers, screaming at him from the telly, haunting his sleep.

But then those days turned into weeks, into months, into years. And he's still here.

Alone, empty, cold, and betrayed.

* * *

"_Describe yourself in three words"_ people used to ask. 

Alone, empty, cold.  
And maybe betrayed.

Yes, definitely betrayed. Betrayed by a person he thought was a friend, by someone he thought knew better than that. They say things happen when you're least expecting them. 'Well,' Sirius thinks, 'that at least has some truth to it.'

In Azkaban, there is nothing. There are no people there, just empty bodies. Dried husks of what used to be human beings. People who laughed, cried, and lived. People who murdered, raped, and stole. He hears them, all the time, in the cells around him. Deploring their fates, or just screaming because it's really the only thing you've got left to do.

'This is wrong, they are wrong. I'm right. I'm innocent.'  
'I'm alive.'  
'Does he believe them?'


	5. 1994

A/N and Disclaimer  
Yawn, I get tired of writing these things. Anyway, part five! Set during Harry's third year, of course, when Remus discovers Peter is alive and the whole Shrieking Shack incident occurs, etc. etc. Also, almost all of Remus's lines are directly from the book, but it's told from his point of view. I couldn't have properly done this situation justice without using the original lines, so no credit to me on that part. I own none of the characters, nor those lines, and the lyrics below are by Switchfoot. Enjoy and review!

* * *

_1994  
__Give me one more time around, give me one more chance to see,  
__Give me everything you are, give me one more chance to be near you,  
__When everything inside me looks like everything I hate  
__You are the hope I have for change  
__You are the only chance I'll take

* * *

_

He really didn't get it.  
There were so many questions, so many things running through his mind. And there was no time to find the answers. It was like being suddenly put into overdrive without warning. 

Peter was alive, and Sirius was at Hogwarts.

The narrow passageway was not much changed since he'd last seen it. A thick layer of dust covered everything, having not been used for years, and it seemed much smaller than what he'd remembered. There were footprints in the dust though. Two human, one dog, and the marks of someone who had presumably been dragged through the tunnel.  
The house was silent, but it wasn't unoccupied. He could sense something. The floorboards creaked as he walked across the room, wand at the ready.

"We're up here! We're up here- Sirius Black- Quick!" came Hermione's voice from upstairs.

When he burst into the room, Harry was the first thing he saw. He looked panicked, and his wand was out, pointed at a crumpled figure on the floor. The figure looked up.

"Where is he, Sirius?"

He looked like death. His hair was long and matted, and he was much paler than could be considered healthy. What looked like a bunch of rags was all that clung to his thin frame. But his eyes were the same.

Black.  
He couldn't look away.

Sirius raised one hand and pointed, slowly, never taking his eyes off of him.  
It was Ron. Ron and that damn pet rat. Of course. Why hadn't he thought of that?

"But then…" he started, the wheels turning in his mind. "…why hasn't he shown himself before now? Unless"-  
Something clicked. Something in his brain connected and he just _knew_ and it was right because it _had_ to be. All those years…  
"-unless he was the one…unless you switched…without telling me?"

They'd been staring at each other for what seemed like ages. Then very slowly, Sirius nodded, confirming everything.

Remus felt like he was in seventh year again, like none of this had ever happened, like it was he and James and Peter and Sirius there in the Shrieking Shack after one of his transformations. Harry was watching him with his father's face and his mother's eyes.

Remus stepped forward, helped Sirius to his feet, and pulled him into possibly the fiercest hug he had ever given.  
Sirius's face was buried in his shoulder "Moony, I'm sorry…"  
Remus almost laughed out loud. "No one's called me that in years."


	6. 1995

A/N & Disclaimer  
Second to last part, set at Number 12 Grimmauld Place, during "Order of the Pheonix". It's set during the summer, wherein Order members are constantly coming and going. So people come in and out of this chapter. Tonks makes an appearance, and the Weasley's are there once in awhile, so this is a bit before Harry shows up. More mild slashiness. I think this is my favorite part, maybe. Anyway, I own none of the characters, and the lines below are from T.S. Eliot's "Love Song of Alfred J. Prufrock". Enjoy and Review!

* * *

_1995  
__And would it have been worth it, after all,  
__Would it have been worth while,  
__After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,  
__After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor-  
__And this, and so much more?  
__It is impossible to say just what I mean!

* * *

_

Sirius wanted to think of all of it as if it had never happened. He didn't want to talk about it, didn't like to think about it even. So Remus did his best not to bring up the past, not to cross him in any way. He'd already lost him once, he wasn't going to shut him out now, now that they were both decently safe and comfortable where they were. 

There were two bedrooms across the hall from each other upstairs that used to be Sirius's and Regulus's. On the nights when they were the only Order members in the old house, they shared Sirius's bed, curled up under the piles of blankets with a fire roaring in the big, ancient fireplace. But when Tonks or Kingsley or some other stayed, Remus would retire to Regulus's room. Later when he woke up cold and bleary eyed, as he always did, he would silently move across the hall and crawl into bed with Sirius.

Tonks, of course, knew what was going on. She didn't even have to say anything. She just nodded and smiled when Remus would lean close to Sirius to say something quietly, or when Sirius would stand a little too close to Remus as they cleaned up after dinner.

Sirius had always had the idea that Tonks had developed some little crush on Remus a few years back and reminded him of this one day after lunch when she had left. Remus scoffed and continued scrubbing the dishes. Sirius stood behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist, resting his chin on Remus's shoulder.

"You like the flattery; you just can't show it because you're so calm and reasonable."  
"Or perhaps I just don't have emotions." He replied, jokingly.  
Sirius kissed the side of his neck. "Yes you do, I see them."

There was not much of a backyard at Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, but it had to make do. On the hot summer nights there was not much to do but lay outside, hoping a passing breeze would lift the humidity out of the air.

One night it rained; a drenching downpour that came up suddenly, catching them by surprise. Windows were thrown open, letting the cool air in and the hot, stuffy air out. Sirius refused to go inside despite Remus's warnings of catching his death, and drug Tonks out into the rain with him. She promptly slipped in the mud and fell backwards into more of it. The evening ended with all three wrapped in towels, sipping mugs of hot tea Molly Weasley had made after telling them they reminded her of her children. Sirius had laughed, genuinely pleased with her. She later told Remus that she was glad to see the two of them so happy together.

Sirius's hair was still damp when he tangled his fingers in it later, pulling the two of them closer under the covers.

But Sirius was restless most of the time, and Remus couldn't alleviate it forever. Sirius just hated being pinned up, being trapped in the house he had escaped so many years ago. And it wasn't that Remus didn't understand, no, he understood Sirius's feelings completely. It was just that he wished he could do something more.

When Remus was gone, he knew Sirius transformed to Padfoot and went out. He didn't say anything, but he worried constantly. Severus was no help either. No matter how many times Remus asked him to not say anything, his former colleague jumped at the chance to goad Sirius about his situation.

These days, Remus knew, couldn't last forever. They were older, much older. And the peace they had right now was pulled taut, ready to snap in half at any second. The war loomed over them, an ever-present reminder that they were living under Voldemort's shadow. They were in the calm before the storm. Remus just hoped that when they were finally in the clear, that they would be in one piece.

But he highly doubted that.


	7. 1996

A/N and Disclaimer  
Last part, thanks for stickin' around guys. I don't think I have to explain what happens in this part. And one more time, I own none of the characters. The lyrics below are from "Some days" by Regina Specktor, which is a heartbreakingly lovely song. Also, reviews are love, spread it around.

* * *

_1996  
__Some days aren't yours at all,  
__They come and go as if they're someone else's days  
__They come and leave you behind someone else's face  
__And it's harsher than yours, and colder than yours  
__They come in all quiet, sweep up, and then they leave  
__And you don't hear a single floorboard creak  
__They're so much stronger than the friends you try to keep,  
__By your side...

* * *

_

"He can't come back, Harry." He'd heard himself say, his voice breaking, "He can't come back because he's d-" But the rising thickness in the back of his throat had cut him off then, and he looked away.

* * *

Number 12 Grimmauld Place was empty when Remus arrived, and dawn fast approaching. The first few rays of sunlight stretched themselves out across the kitchen floor. On the counter there were still two cups of tea, cold and untouched. He felt his stomach lurch, the lump in his throat rising as he sat down at the table, his hands shaking unsteadily.

He knew he should go upstairs, straighten things up and pack his few belongings. He knew what was there. An unmade bed, Sirius's wrinkled shirts, a few of his own probably tucked into the dresser or thrown under the bed.

Remus let out a few quiet sobs, one cold hand on his forehead and the other gripping the edge of his chair. His head throbbed. He thought of Sirius. Of just yesterday when he'd made them breakfast, of August when they'd gotten sopping wet out in the rain, of all those years he'd been gone, leaving Remus to fill in the gaps and slowly move on by himself.

He wasn't sure he could do it all over again.

He wiped absentmindedly at his tears, soaking the edge of his shirtsleeve in the process. Daylight was flooding into the empty house, warming the chilled air. Remus wondered, for a moment, what Sirius had said when he'd seen James again after all these years.

When he finally climbed the stairs around noon, he pulled on one of Sirius's old shirts and fell asleep in the unmade bed.

* * *

Tonks was making lunch when he came downstairs the next day. He had thought, vaguely, that it was Sirius making all that noise downstairs, but then remembered why his pillow was wet and his head still hurt.

She nodded briefly when he came into the kitchen and poured him a glass of water. He took it, gratefully, and found himself some aspirin in the cupboard.

"Dumbledore's coming by later, thought you might want to know." She offered.  
Remus shook his head. "I'm leaving tonight. I'm not staying another night here. I've just got some things to pack before, that's all."  
Tonks put one hand on his shoulder "Remus, if there's anything I can do…"  
He gave her a grim, half-hearted smile. "I'll be fine. If I know how to do anything, it's grieving."

At the bottom of his suitcase Remus Lupin carried three photographs. One of James and Lily, the day they got engaged. One of Him, James, Peter and Sirius on their last day at Hogwarts, taken on the castle's front lawn. And one of him and Sirius, standing in front of their flat, in which Sirius has his arms wrapped around Remus's waist and they're both laughing.

He folded a couple of Sirius's shirts on top of them, and then his own clothes. He piled his books and other belongings on top of that, and then closed the lid. It felt like he was closing a significant part of himself as he closed that lid, and then closed the door to the room behind him.

He kissed Tonks on the cheek before he left, reassuring her that he'll be fine. She wiped at some of her own tears, and laughed, feeling foolish, because she didn't really get a chance to cry yesterday. He nodded at Dumbledore as he left, knowing he doesn't have to say a word because the old man already understands.

There's still a war to fight, and Harry is still his best friend's son. He has an obligation, and a very mismatched family to protect within the Order.

And so Remus Lupin moves on, because it's the only thing he can do.


End file.
